Here is an important public service announcement for our readers: Be advised. Take shelter. Call your loved ones and tell them to stay indoors and immediately dispose of any visible self-tanner and Bacardi 151 in the vicinity (your mom shouldn’t be using that stuff anyway). The prophecies are coming true. This isn’t a drill. The cast of Jersey Shore has been given the power of flight.
According to these photos on Celebuzz.com, someone had the bright idea to let Deena, The Situation, Pauly D, JWoww, Vinny and Ronnie strap on water-powered jet packs. Luckily, for the time being, these Weapons of Mass Dumbstruction are constrained only to large bodies of water, but it is only a matter of time before one of them figures out how to hook up these jetpacks to a Big Gulp-sized Four Loko and invade our airspace. Once that happens, no one is safe. This menace that has for years terrorized the boardwalks of Jersey could turn up at any chill Saturday afternoon BBQ or company happy hour or co-ed bowling league and wreak booze-soaked havoc.
Earth is no longer safe for us. I’d say let’s just pack it up and move on to the next planet, but NASA already suspended the space program. IT’S LIKE THE JERSEY SHORE CAST PLANNED THIS ALL ALONG. The only solution is for all of us to get one of these Jet Lev packs they have and fight for the survival of mankind. Fight, damnit! We will not go fist-pumping in to the night! This is our Independence Day!
What I’m trying to say is, someone lend me $100,000 so I can buy one of these jet packs.
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