Although the NBA season has only just begun, there are several struggling and desperate teams. Each organization is searching for the answer to the following question:
Who will be this season’s JEREMY LIN?
Los Angeles Lakers: Tupac’s Hologram
Pros: Machiavellian instincts. Loves his Mama and California.
Cons: Transparent defense. Unafraid to notify a much larger enemy after her has sex with their wife.
Washington Wizards: Daniel Day Lewis in character as Lincoln
Pros: Unites locker room. Tall. Respected by most players in the league.
Cons: Lacks bullet speed for run and gun offense. Inspiration for an atrocious rock band.
Detroit Pistons: Mitt Romney
Pros: Great head of hair.
Cons: Before his first game, Mitt will outsource his job to binders full of young Asians who have never played basketball but have assembled plenty.
Denver Nuggets: Dave Chappelle
Pros: Admired for work around the block. Each game he’ll show up as a different race.
Cons: Sometimes, he might not show up at all.
Portland Trailblazers: The winner of the 1997 Sega Genesis National NBA Jam Tournament
Pros: Terrific ball handler. Most likely unemployed.
Cons: Constantly rejected. Doesn’t wear socks.
Toronto Raptors: Stephen A. Smith
This is a unique acquisition that will unfold similarly to the movie Argo, where the Americans carry out the plan but Canada receives all the credit.
Stephen’s contract will specifically state that he “can never speak again” and that he must remain 50 feet from any visual or audio recording device.
Jon Weissberg is NYC based writer who is on the fast track to becoming RSVLTS.com’s lead features editor. You can follow him at @jonweissberg.