When they aren’t having adults speak like children, or promoting avocados like they are extinct, Subway has some pretty awful commercials.
Despite that fact, they have a very impressible roster of professional athletes. Subway claims to be the “official training restaurant” of said sports’ stars… which sounds like a load of crap, but who are we to argue? Outside of the major athletic gear companies, you’d be hard pressed to find another company that boasts as much talent as Subway. I wanted to rank them by their acting performances, but the commercials are so bad, they don’t really provide anyone the opportunity to shine, so lets rank em by their athletic accomplishments for no reason.*
Cast member of “The Office.” Arguably the most random endorsement on TV. Where the hell did this come from? Did they think he was Madison Bumgarner? Did they mistake his character “Kevin Malone” for the Mailman? Are there even still Kevin fans out there? No disrespect to Baumgartner, but they are promoting health and he’s known for playing a fat oaf. This one is a head scratcher.
Endorsement Worthy? Yeah, maybe when you compare him to say, a Toby, but when you’re not even a top 5 character on your show, you probably shouldn’t have commercial deals. Sidebar – the Kevin character has been insufferable for a few seasons now. *insert offensive Robert Downey Jr. line from “Tropic Thunder” here.*
…remember when I said Brian Baumgartner was the most random endorsement on TV? I take it back. At least he’s on a classic TV show (“blah blah it sucked when Carell left!”) How did this marketing cram session go down for Jay Glazer’s inclusion? “Who can we get for the ‘$5 foot long sweet onion teriyaki now served with delicious California avocados’ commercial?” “How about the 7th fiddle on FOX NFL Sunday?” “Davis, you magnificent bastard, that office with the ocean view is yours!” I’m pretty sure Glazer and Michael Strahan are boys, so he must have pulled some strings… but how does that explain Glazer co-starring in an ad with baseball player, Ryan Howard?
Endorsement Worthy? No. No chance. I would have rather seen someone like Tim Kurkjian squeak his way through an ad.
Get that money, big man. The dude is an inspiration and I’m happy that he’s earning endorsement checks, even though it’s kind of insulting to have a tragic sports figure congratulate.
getting gastric bypass losing a ton of weight eating sandwiches. You’re probably thinking “Jared may be America’s sweetheart, but he is not an athlete… and this article blows,” but you’re wrong on at least one account. Fogle was actually a champion fencer in college. Take that, Clay Henry! Don’t believe me? Look it up. Not only was he legit, he once beat reigning world champion, Arturo Esteban in record timing. In his “chubby” years, Jared also used to compete on the eating circuit, qualifying multiple times for the world butter championship. In 1997 he slurped down 8 sticks in 2 minutes… ya know what? This is all fake; I don’t even know why I’m doing this. You were probably right on both accounts. Let’s just move on to the real athletes.
I admittedly have no idea who this dude is. I don’t really even know how he swung a commercial with a major company, but good for him. He’s fairly new to the boxing scene, and really doesn’t have any major accomplishments as far as I can tell. Unfortunately, Mike can’t pronounce “Februany,” due to years of punches to the mouth.
Endorsement Worthy? Probably not, but to be fair, he could be the jewel of the boxing world right now. I won’t pretend like I know.
Obviously she became a star off her famous name, but she backed up her dad’s skills with a 24-0 career boxing record… but against chicks, so… These days she’s a reality TV star and model or something. Oh and regarding those chicks, they can all absolutely destroy me in the ring… just destroy me.
Endorsement Worthy? I guess. Although I’d argue that no one is eating sandwiches because they saw Muhammad Ali’s daughter pushing one.
2010 NFL ROY, All Pro, and a bunch of college awards. 2nd week elimination on celebrity diving competition show. He also stomped on a dude head once… but I don’t think he was given so much as a ribbon for that. You’d think with a resume like that, he’d rank high on any list… but this is Subway, where MVPs and Gold Medalists live, baby.
Endorsement Worthy? No.
First pick overall 2009 NBA draft, ROY, 3x All-Star, once jumped over the smallest part of an already small car, AP National Player of the year at Oklahoma. It’s hard to dislike Blake, he’s genuinely one of the funniest athletes in sports right now. His Kia commercials are pretty great. His Subway commercials? … His Kia commercials are pretty great.
Endorsement Worthy? No doubt.
2x Pro Bowler, 2x Super Bowl Champ. Again, I’m a biased Giants fan, so I’m happy my guy is getting his shine, but I’ll be honest, I almost question whether his ads are just regional. Is Tuck a big star across the league? He may have been a couple years ago, but I doubt it now. Still, good dude, good player, good deals at your local Subway restaurants.
Endorsement Worthy? Sadly, I don’t really think so.
5 time Olympic medalist (1G, 3S, 1B) Nastia “Don’t Call Me Nasty” Liukin needs more shine. She’s cute, and she’s talented. This is legitimately all I can say about her. The fact that I still know her name is a good thing though. I can’t say the same for Dominique Mocha… Macchiato? Dominique Mannymachado? Whatever her name was. Her.
Endorsement Worthy? Sure, why not.
Robert Griffin III
Heisman Trophy winner at Baylor, and the 2012 NFL Rookie of the Year. Subway is obviously a gloryhog, so I don’t doubt them drawing up a new ad campaign around RG3 claiming their sandwiches helped him miraculously heal. Keep an eye out for that one during the launch of the new “Chicken Pizziola Ranch Thing” in September.
Endorsement Worthy? Most definitely.
30-30, All Star, ROY, and (probably should have been) MVP in his first full MLB season. Anyone want to start the Trout vs. Cabrera argument again? Sure, you may have a meaningless Triple Crown, Miggy… but where is your Subway ad? Where is it? Trout 1, you 0.
Endorsement Worthy? Absolutely.
There’s an “Anton” in there somewhere too, but I’m never quite sure where to put it. 8 time Olympic medalist (2G, 2S, 4B) and more importantly, “Dancing with the Stars” champion. I think he hosts something these days. It’s kinda sad that most famous Olympians have to scrape by for jobs in the entertainment industry. I guess it’s a good thing Subway puts them in their ads.
Endorsement Worthy? Yeah, but not for much longer.
2001 NFL DPOY, 7x Pro Bowler, 2008 Super Bowl Champ, Sidekick to Kelly Ripa, buddy of Jay Glazer. I ain’t got nothin but love for Michael Strahan. He provided me with some of my greatest sports memories growing up. Remember that vicious hit he had on Favre to set the single season sack record?! (shut up, let me have that one.)
Endorsement Worthy? Of course this charismatic son of a bitch is endorsement worthy.
2007 AL Cy Young winner, 6x All Star, 2009 World Series champ (ALCS MVP). Pride. Tradition. Aura. Mystique. Pinstripes. Vomit.
Endorsement Worthy? Once he lost his deal with Cap’n Crunch, it was a no brainer to sign with Subway. CC is a beast, so yes.
2005 NL ROY, 2006 NL MVP, 2008 Champ (NLCS MVP) As a Mets fan, I don’t really have much ill will towards Mr. Howard… but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna sit here and praise the guy. This dude has crushed my (dim) hopes more than just about anyone else in the past 10 years.
Endorsement Worthy? He’s on his way out, but yes.
The man who got it all started. Gilmore might actually be the most admirable athlete on the list, as most of his profits went to save his beloved’s grandmother’s house from foreclosure… but that’s not fair, we don’t know what the others did with their cash.
Endorsement Worthy? This guy sure thinks so…
Multiple time winner of some famous races… probably. I think so. I don’t know. Is he the one who does the backflips? He can do backflips. I do so have credibility!
Endorsement Worthy? Can’t deny that.
Most decorated Olympian of all time, and the only Subway athlete to host Saturday Night Live. The guy is a flat out legend. He got busted for weed, and it was forgetton like 3 minutes later. If Subway was smart they’d market that with a late night only ad on terrible stations like Spike TV… but no, instead we get to watch their stable of stars salute a nobody who made millions by eating lettuce and cardboard sandwiches.
Endorsement Worthy? He’s about as charismatic as a shoe, but yes.
I have no affiliation to Subway restaurants, nor do I want any affiliation with Subway restaurants. I’m a Quiznos guy. So if Quiznos is reading this… and lets be real, they almost certainly are, shoot me some gift certs. Appreciate it.
If I forgot anyone, leave it in the comments because there is a solid chance I forgot someone, and I’m desperate for any type of human interaction.
*I know team championships aren’t an individual accomplishment, but you gotta mention them.
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