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For Memorial Day, I have a special Let’s Talk about America segment for all of you.  A semi serious list of the top 50 manliest men in American History.  In this list I will cover all types of men from super stud TV lifeguard Mitch Buchannon to true American heroes like Honest Abe Lincoln.  It was impossible to fit every manly man in here so if I left someone out, let me know about it!

So without further ado I give you:

THE TOP 50 MANLIEST MEN IN AMERICAN HISTORY

50. A.C. Slater

Had to throw Albert Clifford in here to start it up.  Guy had it all.  Great athlete and the only dude I know that could pull off a  jerry curled mullet while dancing ballet.  Congratulations A.C.

49. Mr Larson from Happy Gilmore

Look at that monster!  Killer stache and he took a nailgun to the head no problem.  Oh, and he also bent a nine iron in half with his bare hands.

48. Arthur Fonzarelli

Ayeeee!  The ultimate ladies man, great hair, and hell, he jumped a shark on water skis.  BOOM! Top 50

47. Evel Knievel

Speaking of jumping shit…Evel Knievel comes in at #47.  If you don’t think this dude is manly you can just get the hell out.  He has broken close to every bone in his body, and nearly killed himself jumping the fountains at Caesars Palace (141 feet).  You gotta have a set of coconuts to do do that.

46. The Dude

The Dude Abides.  Chill guy.  Loves his rug. Drink of choice – White Russian

45. The Coach from Major League

Don’t even know his real name.  This man is strictly on the list because of the combination of his voice and his moustache.

44. Mitch Buchannon

Bangin chicks and savin lives..that’s what Mitch Bucannon does!  As a sidenote, Mitch was also a Navy SEAL who trained people in hand to hand combat. He made use of this training in his job as a lifeguard when appropriate, for example defusing bombs.  ← Taken directly from Wikipedia

43. Mike Ditka

Ditka vs A hurricane…who ya got?  Wait wait wait….But the name of the hurricane is Hurricane Ditka….

42. MacGyver

MacGyver lands 42 on the list of manliest men due to his keen ability to save lives with the only the materials given around him.  We’re talking about a man who made a hot air balloon in under 2 hours with only homemade glue, random pieces of nylon, a metal shed, and a gas cannister.  It was a close call but he coasted away just as the Soviets discovered him.

41. The Rock

IF YA SMELLLLLLLL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAUUU WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN.  The Rock would of kicked your roody-poo candy ass when he was 15.  Look at that pic!  He was already jacked and had a mustache!  I was waiting for my first pubes at that age.

40. Guile from Street Fighter

Sonic Booooommm!  He has a sweet flattop and his main purpose is avenging the death of his army friend.  I mean shit, Jean-Claude Van Damme played him in the live action movie.

39. Jack Bauer

If it weren’t for Jack Bauer this country would be a giant pile of rubble.  He has put the United States of America on his back time and time again.  We all have Jack Bauer to thank for still being alive today.  And that my friends is as manly as it gets.

38. Wilt Chamberlain

Only Player to drop 100 points in a single game.  Oh, and he also has slept with 20,000…that’s right 20,000 different women.  I believe it.  Good for you Wilt, good for you.

37. Lou Ferrigno

Famed Body Builder – The Incredible Hulk – MAN!

36. Hacksaw Jim Dugan

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

15. Al Bundy

Polk High Football Legend, Average Shoe Salesman, and the epitome of a manly man.  Hell he started No MA’AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood).

34. Ronnie Lott

Rumor has it The Lott had his the tip of his crushed pinky finger cut off by a trainer midgame so he could get back on the field.  The defines manliness right there.

33. Mike Tyson

Iron Mike has to be on here.  In his day he was the most ferocious boxers in the game.  Quick and powerful.  He has a face tattoo.  And we can’t forget that he bit off a chunk of Holyfield’s ear either.  It takes a man to bite off someones ear….I think.

 

32. Tom Selleck

Obvious selection here.  Suave as hell and he pretty much redefined the mustache game.  He doesn’t let anything get in the way of his enjoyment.  Magnum P.I. all day.

31. Burt Reynolds

This picture is a bit disturbing, but it shows what kind of man Burt was.  Just laying on a bearskin rug not giving a f*ck.  Tom Selleck learned everything he knew from Burt Reynolds.  Also it has to be said that his role in Cop and a Half was a showstopper.

30. Hulk Hogan

He is a real American, He fights for the right of every man.  He is a real American, He fights for what’s right.  He fights for your lifeeeee.  I can go on…I know all the lyrics, but I’ll spare you.  The Hulkster was everyones favorite wrestler.  Remember when he body slammed Andre the Giant?

29. Phil Robertson

The ultimate outdoorsman.  Little do some know but Phil was a phenomenal athlete as well.  He was first string Quarterback ahead of Terry Bradshaw at Louisiana Tech University, before deciding to follow his real passion….Duck Huntin.  Turns out he made the right move.

28. Grizzly Adams

Grizzly Adams DID have a beard.  Similar to Robertson, Grizzly is another outdoorsman, but he gets the slight edge over Phil because he trained BEARS.  Ya hear that? BEARS!

27. John Rambo

This picture expresses everything you need to know about John Rambo’s Manliness.

26. Bill the Butcher (William Poole)

What more can we say about Bill? Although the character was based on a real person, his character in ‘Gangs’ makes Bill one of the true, die hard Americans we’ve ever seen. The man cut out his own eye after being shamed in battle, and replaced it with a glass eye with an american eagle crest front and center. I wear an American flag bandana on American holidays, Bill, You win.

25. Brett Favre

Earned everything on his own.  Rugged, balls to the wall player.  He left it all out on the field.  Played through many injuries.  And he wears Wranglers.  Just a man’s man.

24. Wade Boggs

We all know about Wade Boggs’ Hall of Fame career.  But I would like to talk about how he housed 64 beers on a cross country flight while also dominating tubs fried chicken.  Great ball player, but anyone who can put back 64 beers in one trip gets a top 25 nod in my book.

23. Ron Swanson

“Give me all of the bacon and eggs you have” – Ron Swanson

22. John Mcclane

Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker!

21. Frank Sinatra

Franky Blue Eyes epitomized manliness.  He dominated not only the the music charts but also the silver screen.  Probably goes down as one of the coolest dudes of all time.

20. Michael Jordan

Redefined the sport of basketball.  6 championships.  The Flu game.  Avid competitor.  Space Jam.  Loves Hanes.  Rocked a Hitler Mustache and pulled it off.  MAN.

19. Robert De Niro

“You talkin’ to me!?”  One of, if not the best actors of this generation.  Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Casino, Bronx Tale….I can go on, but we will be here all night.

18. Rocky Balboa

Americas favorite boxer.  Opponents Rocky beat: Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gun (in a street fight).  Rocky had the heart of a lion and that is why he is # 18 on our list.

17. Mr. T

I don’t really know much about Mr. T, but just look at him.  You cannot look at this man and not think he is the #17 manliest man in American History, you just can’t.  I pity the fool that thinks otherwise.

16. Hugh Hefner

He created a little magazine called Playboy.  He also has had a number of girlfriends that look pretty good naked.  Sometimes he had multiple girlfriends at one time.  And he’s about 87 years old and looks like a dinosaur and still gets better women then you.

35. Bill Murray

Bill F*ckin Murray as our bros at The Chive would say,  Name a bad movie this man has been in.  You can’t do it.  Just an all around classic actor.  From Peter Venkman to Steve Zissou, Murray killed it no matter what role he was playing and he did it like a Man, man. Silver screen, aside, Murray has been known to be the epitome of a graduated bro, photobombing, crashing house parties around the country and playing pranks on regular folks on the streets.

14. General Patton

A true American hero.  Patton led forces that played a key role in defeating the Germans in the Battle of the Bulge, capturing over 10,000 miles of territory from the Nazi Regime.  Another man who lost his life on the battlefield, fighting for his country.

13. Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer.  Too bad he has never cried.

12. Neil Armstrong

A teary-eyed Neil Armstrong photographed by Buzz Aldrin shortly after walking on the moon, 1969 // NASA.gov

If you were the first man to walk on the Moon, you would be #11 on this list.

11. Clint Eastwood

Everyone knows that Clint Eastwood is the Man.  EVERYONE.  I mean, he played Dirty Harry.  He’s 82 and he can still kick your ass so “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”

10. Jackie Robinson

Obviously everyone knows Jackie Robinson as the first African American player to play in the Major Leagues, but not everyone knows that he was one hell of a man.  Imagine playing a sport at the level he did with all that nonsense going on off the field.  Probably took a lot of will power.  He changed the game forever and that is why he lands at #9.

9. Babe Ruth

The Sultan of Swat.  The Colossus of Clout. The Great Bambino!!  All this dude did was eat, have sex, hit home runs, and eat.   He once said in the great movie The Sandlot, “Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.”  He my friends, is a legend.

8. John Wayne

When you hear the name John Wayne, you picture cowboys and American patriotism.  This guy loved his country when everyone hated it, particularly in the 60s, and he wasn’t afraid to show it.  He starred in over 60 movies and I mean, just look at him.  Straight up MANLY.

7. JFK

He made the US a productive nation again.  A very charasmatic president, and had a smokeshow of a wife in Jackie O.  Oh, he also had an affair with Marilyn Monroe.  Just look at him….coolest president of all time.  In all seriousness though he had the power to inspire and considering that he only served as the president for a brief stint of about two years before being assassinated, he achieved a lot.

6. Muhammad Ali

Rumble young man, Rumble!  Ali starting off our top 5 for obvious reasons.  He is the best boxer of all time and dominated everyone he faced for a very long time.  His athleticism was unmatched and he feared no man.

5. Theodore Roosevelt

Our websites namesake.  Teddy was the man and everyone knows it.  I even know it and I wasn’t alive for his presidency, or his whole life for that matter.  Roosevelt felt it was his duty to take whatever action necessary for the public good.  And that he did.  After his presidency he was a notorious big game hunter.  In a trip to Africa he took down a Rhino, Lion, and elephant. (none were endangered at the time). Amongst Teddy’s acclaims ranged from being the youngest sworn in president, to being the first police commissioner in New York, to leading the Republican Party, to leading The Rough Riders through Cuba and Puerto Rico, not to mention continuing a speech after an assasonation attempt nearly took his life, taking a bullet to his lower left sternum. Yeah, thats a man.

4. Seal Team 6

The badass group of men that took out Bin Laden….That is all.

3. Pat Tillman

He stepped away from his professional career in the NFL to serve his country in the US Army in the wake of the 9/11 attacks.  A model American and a true MAN.  He lost his life serving for his country and that IS the manliest you can get. The distinguishable attribute about Tillman is that he had it all, a professional football carrer playing for his preferable team. A feat he worked his entire life for, a feat less than 1% of people in the world have the skill, ethic or talent to perform. He had a carrer 99% of the world would give up body parts to have, and he gave it all up for the most noble cause an American can give; The defense of their homeland. That is why Tillman is no. 3. There is not a more selfless, brave and noble man on this list. For the man who gave the ultimate price we give you one last salute, Mr. Tillman, we remember you.

2. Abe Lincoln

At no surprise our 16th President comes in at #2.  Abe Lincoln was a law man who later got into politics and ended up changing this country forever.  He made the people understand that the USA was the only genuine democratic government in the world and his job was to hold the Union together.  Issuing the Emancipation Proclamation to abolish slavery, was his greatest feat, and that alone helped this great country become the free country it is today.

1. George Washington

Is George Washington the greatest American to ever live?  YES.  Without him we probably wouldn’t have won the Revolutionary War.  If we didn’t win the war we wouldn’t have taken over this nations first 13 colonies and therefore we wouldn’t even be the USA.  So on that fact alone George Washington, who’s teethe were made out of wood, gets my nod at the #1 Manliest Man in US history.

USA! USA! USA! GOD BLESS AMERICA And everyone have a bad ass Memorial Day Weekend!

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