Very few teams are lucky enough to have a Tom Brady, Derek Jeter or “Big 3″ so most fans must rely on unconditional love of their team to make it through the season.
Wile E. Coyote has more wins than this team. Their greatest accomplishment is losing the Superbowl four years in a row. Think about that, they actually brag about the best string of losses they’ve ever put together but when you’ve only got one thread to hang on, I guess you hang really tight to it. At 370-426-8 they would need three consecutive seasons without a loss before their all time record got to .500, probably a lot easier to just lose another Superbowl and brag about the 5th.
Chicago Cubs – The Cubs franchise is literally cursed. In 1945, Billy Sianis was asked to leave a World Series game at Wrigley Field because his pet billy goat’s odor was offending other fans. Before leaving he cursed the Cubs saying, “Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna win no more.” Turns out, after not winning the World Series for a record 105 years, Sianis was right and it was the shitty baseball that was stinking up the park. Cubs fans are probably the most intolerable of the fans listed. Their sense of martyrdom runs so deep a WWII vet could be telling the story of how he lost an arm and the Cubs fan would cut him off saying, “Sure Gramps, but at least you didn’t lose it cause Steve Bartman came out of nowhere and ripped it off.” Cubs fans, jeez.
Detroit is the future of America…if you believe in the post-apocalyptic kind of future in movies like I Am Legend. This city needs a win like a hooker needs a hug but it ain’t gonna happen. The Lions went 0-16 in 2008 and 2-14 the following year. That is a watershed mark for NFL ineptitude making Lions fans the equivalent to every hillbilly that keeps rebuilding on a flood plain. It’s always going to flood and Barry Sanders is never coming back, stop with all the hope talk…please. Things are looking up with Megatron but I for one expect him to retire at the height of his career just before he can obtain the all time yardage record. It is the Lion’s Way.
Kansas City Royals
The Royals won a Championship in 1985 and haven’t been to the playoffs since, only barely breaking .500 six times. Royals fans show up every year despite this impressive streak of worthlessness to tailgate, proudly get fatter and be misled by an early run of victories that inevitably becomes a landslide in the “L” column. Instead of winning, the Royals are attempting to perfect the step by step process for shitting the bed as a team. Here is irrefutable evidence where George Brett, the greatest star of the Royals constellation, talks candidly of himself shitting his pants, which he admittedly “is good about two times a year for.”
New Orleans Pelicans
Formerly known as The Hornets, apparently it felt inauthentic for this abysmal franchise to have a mascot that was feared and combative so they changed to the more appropriate Pelican whose beak is so large that it can swoop down and carry all of its opponents safely to victory. Then they lost Chris Paul who is arguably the best point guard in the NBA and drafted Anthony Davis as the face of the franchise. But look at his face? It’s like someone laid a furry caterpillar across the brow of an absurd child’s drawing. That is what the owner of the Pelicans will see every day that he opens the sports section during the NBA season. I live in LA, if this city has taught me one thing it is that if you’re going to suck, don’t suck ugly. Pelicans are eighty games below .500 and have never even made it to their conference finals; a mascot can’t change that but maybe good jazz can?
The Cavs make it on this list because they are no longer fueled by the desire to win; they are solely fueled by their black coals of hatred for LeBron James. It’s what keeps them going, even Yoda couldn’t get through to these people. If a tornado hits Cleveland you can be sure they will believe that LeBron was the only one who knew it was coming, held on to the info and called a press conference, then announced the tornado was coming as it hits the other side of the city and he departs in his privately owned G6. Nevermind that he gave them literally more than half of all their playoff wins (42 of 78) and their only trip to the NBA Finals. This song says it all.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Perhaps the Cavs and the Blue Jackets are situated close enough that their independent loserness is connecting across the state and perpetuating an endless downward spiral. The BJ’s have the third worst winning percentage of all active NHL teams with a record of 342-441-33 and were swept in four games the single time they made it to the playoffs. The best part of rooting for the Blue Jackets is being able to say “BJ’s are cool”. Ironically, being a professional player for the BJ’s isn’t cool enough to get you one.
The Bobcats are so terrible that it is now customary when speaking of them to leave the “cat” portion of the name silent. The idea being that their play is so pedestrian that anyone named Bob could start for them. The Charlotte Bobs have an all time winning percentage of .346 (250-472) and have set the NBA All Time Record for worst season winning percentage at .109 (7-59), mercifully, the year of the record was shortened by a lockout. Every year Charlotte’s terrible play leaves them a top draft pick offering fans the Fool’s Gold of ‘If we draft a great player AND Jordan comes out of retirement, we’re an instant contender’. No you’re not…Bob.
Pittsburgh is known for tough steel working men but looking at the logo, that mustache makes you think the Pirates have switched to working wood. They haven’t had a winning season in twenty years and counting the eight years that the team was named the Alleghenys Pittsburgh has amassed 10,006 losses. Not much baseball to be proud of lately but fans of Pittsburgh have continued to support their team for over a century now.
Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs won Superbowl IV and are 404-388-12 all time, giving them a decent winning percentage of .510. Yet they haven’t won a postseason game in twenty years and are 3-12 in playoff games since winning the Superbowl 43 years ago. It gets worse. Kansas City went 2-14 last year (ties 2008 for their worst season ever) and it took a murder/suicide to inspire the team to get the second win. Yet still the fans come. For Kansas fans it’s really about the BBQ and beer. That’s why Arrowhead Stadium is famous for being so loud; nobody gets quieter when they’re hammered. They take losing well though and when by week ten the Chiefs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, fans hold their heads high and look towards next year… or at least until The Jayhawks start playing.