The keyword here is what-if. What if some of our favorite athletes chose a different life path somewhere along their road to professional athletics. If so, they’d probably be working at some of the stores you frequent in the local shopping malls. The Foot Lockers and Modell’s Sporting Goods are a no brainer, but what about some athletes that have a more unique style or charisma.
We’ve complied a list of athletes and the shopping mall store that best compliments their personality.
DeSean Jackson: Foot Locker
A natural – put the zebra stripes on him and he looks exactly like every 17 year old you’ve ever purchased a pair of Nike’s from.
Nick Swisher: Foot Action
The go-getter- his overly aggressive attitude might make a sale or crash and burn. “Bro, I could totally picture you in a new pair of these fire Reebok Zig Zags. What are you a size 10, 10.5? I’ll be right back, dude.” Brings back 6 boxes ranging from sizes 9-11.5.
Tim Lincecum: Zumiez
Even if the guy can’t grind a rail, you can tell he’s no stranger to Vans or the Nike SB collection. Don’t be surprised when he disappears for an extended amount of time. Can usually find him outside in the employee smoking section.
Metta World Peace: Brookstone
Metta’s qwerky personality lends itself perfectly to a role which requires you to sell a $4,000 massage chair, a wireless weather forecaster, and a motorized steam cleaning brush for your grill… all in the same day.
Shane Battier: Barnes & Noble
Three-time employee of the month, Shane Battier is known for his world class customer service. Whether you need a novel recommendation or someone to debate 19th century existentialism with, he’s your guy. The Duke grad, with a religion degree, even hosts a Bible study every Wednesday night called “Out of shame with Shane.”
Prince Fielder: Cinnabon
It’s incredible the way this guy gets on top of a high fast ball, but what’s really special is what he does with warm dough, cinnamon, and sweet cream cheese frosting.
Joe Mauer: Gap
When this clean-cut, all-American boy puts on a pair of “lived in” slim fit khakis, they practically sell themselves.<
Wes Welker: Baby Gap
Wes has been quoted saying that he simply saw a “now hiring” sign in the window and it led him to fill out an application, but rumor has it, he holds the job simply for the employee discount.<
Dustin Pedroia: Johnny Rockets
He started his Rocketeer career bussing tables, but you know this man is known for his work ethic. After just a few short weeks, he was given his opportunity to wait tables. He hasn’t looked back.
Pablo Sandevol: Panda Express
Tom Brady: Abercrombie
While Tom fits the Abercrombie look, he’s on the verge of being fired because he refuses to wear his shirt when working weekends and also insists on wearing Uggs, which is a violation of the company’s “look policy.” Yes that’s a real thing.
Brian Wilson: Seasonal Halloween Store
It’s a win-win for Brian. He only has to work 2 months out of the year and he can stock up on beard dye during the end of season sale.
Tony Parker: Perfumania
Cause he’s French.
Bryce Harper: Sunglass Hut
Customer: “Excuse me, do you carry Oakley?” Bryce: “That’s a clown question bro… of course we carry Oakley.”
Colin Kaepernick: Lids
He has quite the collection of caps and we all know the controversy that Colin stirred up after wearing a Dolphins hat… Sorry Niners’ fans, teal and orange are so in right now.
Drew Brees: GNC
If you are going to start a proper workout and supplements regimen, you better have the facts and there’s no better person to learn from than AdvoCare’s former national spokesman.
He obviously fits the bill, but his manager has told him to “take it down a notch” on more than one occasion.
Dirk Nowitski: Yankee Candle
Oh the irony! Well, the big fella fills out the apron nicely. Admittedly, Dirk struggled in the early goings at the candle shop, but he’s recently come into his own and is even taking the initiative to drive change in the organization – he asks each one of his customers to sign a petition if they’d like to see a “German Chocolate Cake” scent introduced in the winter of 2014 collection.
Derek Jeter: American Eagle
DJ may have graced the cover of GQ a few times, but if you’ve seen his paparazzi photos, you know he’s more comfortable in a pair of boot cut jeans and a comfortable sweater.
Eli Manning: Jackson Hewitt
After throwing a pick or three, Eli usually looks like he’d rather be at a desk job with reasonable hours. And the way this season is starting off, Eli might be able help open the office in early January. Note for customers: While his tax returns are a bit sloppy early in the season, this guy is a high performer the week of April 15th. Some guys thrive when the pressure is on!
Andrew Luck: Sears (Hardware Section)
Something tells us Andrew would be quick to throw on a pair of Mom jeans and help you find the perfect leaf blower or ratchet set. His “giant voice” will be a sure way to help him seal the deal for a tire rotation.
Ben Roesthilsburger: Hand Cream Kiosk Guy
He has a history of harassing girls and while he rarely gets any play, every once in a while someone is going to fall for “Ma’am, can I try something on you?”
Written by Contributing Editor: Sean O’Neal