Fight Bite Is A Real Injury

While reading this surprisingly well written piece on fighting I learned there’s an actual term for getting an infection from punching someone in the mouth: fight bite. I can imagine someone hearing this predicament for the first time wondering how often people get punched while yawning. Not me. I’m just ashamed to know there’s an efficient term to describe my $1,200 hospital bill and a one inch scar on my knuckle. This is why blogs exist: so people can tell ridiculous stories for others to laugh at. Trust me when I say that despite my daily urges, I tend to believe that fights should be reserved for neanderthals. Read and learn, Friends.

Fight Bite Is A Real Injury

By: Chad Roosevelt

This may come as a shock to you but alcohol was involved. Happy hour drinking extending into the late evening without dinner tends to yield story-worthy results and this was no exception. I did actually make it inside a pizza joint and manage to order but that’s as far as I got. As drunk as I may have been, I still tend to mind my own business. While waiting, a particular gentleman just as drunk did not hold the same ethic. Loudly singing and annoying every customer in the place, he ignored our requests to tone it down. I don’t recall what was said, though we did start to openly note his sorority-like drunk habits. He did what any other completely outnumbered idiot wearing Philadelphia sports apparel would have done: ask us to take this outside.

It’s blurry, but if I could only think of one other way to describe this guy I would have to go with “very punchable.” For what its worth, despite how tough guys tend to think they are most won’t actually throw a punch. Not this idiot. (yours truly) The idea that some kid smaller than me AND outnumbered had the cajones to think for a second he had any reasonable chance was infuriating and I was going correct his misunderstanding. I’m fairly certain he wasn’t finished with the sentence when I began physically carrying him outside. You know that game kids play when they say they’re just going to walk in a straight line, swinging their arms like a windmill and if someone gets in the way it’s their own fault? Not that I really recall this, but I’m told it looked more or less like two grownups playing that except somehow, improbably, no one was actually landing punches.

Approximate Reenactment

My level headed friends attempted to break up the scuffle and I broke free to land the only legitmate punch straight to kisser. I like to tell people his head went back like a Pez dispenser for visual effect. (Creative license.) I then got up and saw one of the most sobering things I’ve ever experienced – a wall of people inside the restaurant filming everything from their camera phones. I immediately understood the implications of a video of me street fighting on the internet. I get ill thinking about it. I ran home with my arm covered in what I thought was his blood only to find out I had a massive gash on my knuckle. It must have been a great shot though I was surprised a cut like that could have happened. I assumed I’d get a butterfly stitch to close it up, perhaps a real one, but not a big deal.

The following night I could not sleep. I was up all night with unbearable pain and was certain I’d broke it. The throbbing would not stop. I went to the emergency room and made up some sports injury but the X-rays came clean. The doctor came out, took one look at it and knew immediately by the infection it was caused  by a tooth. Somehow this had never occurred to me. Apparently mouths, and in turn teeth, are bacteria infestations. I was prescribed antibiotics and told to see a hand surgeon in 2 days. The infection didn’t subside. I was told I needed to be operated on the following day. I actually had to be put under for three hours. I couldn’t type for two weeks. It was miserable. Then the hospital bill came; $1200. And that was with decent health insurance.

World's Deadliest Mouth

Every month or two I still Google to see if someone uploaded a video of the fight and pray nothing comes up. So far so good. I see videos of other people fighting and police arresting them. It nauseates me to imagine having been arrested. Barring legitimate self defense and anyone excessively harassing my girlfriend, I’ve sworn to myself I wouldn’t throw another punch. Most of us have way too much to lose and way too little to gain.

Lesson for all learned. You’re welcome.